1. Well, it’s kind of a funny story.. my first real “girlfriend” placed rules and regulations like it was an iTunes license agreement.. My friends and I have dubbed these, “The Chronicles of Kendra” (name NOT changed for safety because F her..)

1. Under no circumstances am I to surprise her at home, work, or anywhere, regardless of the reason. No surprise dinners, no “boo!” scares for fun, nothing.

2. When out in public, no public displays of affection. No hand holding, no kissing, no arm around her, hugging. We had to walk beside each other like we were brother and sister.

3. We worked in the mall, at different stores, and during times when our shifts matched up, we had 15 minutes or prearranged time together. No less, no more, and it was to be at whatever time she visited. Under no circumstances was I to visit her at work earlier, later, or otherwise not prearranged.

4. During sexytimes, it was missionary, her on bottom, me on top. No thrusting, just “put it in and lay there”. No fingers anywhere on her body, no foreplay on her at all. She didn’t shave, or trim, or anything, so it was like a forest down there (dodged a bullet there..)

5. Also during sexytimes, and this “rule” is the one that surprises people the most because of how ridiculous it is, when SHE thought it was time for me to cum, SHE would roll over on her side and say “go finish up in the bathroom”. She was outright disgusted by cum, and under no circumstances was my cum to get on her, around her or be in the same room as her unless it was inside my nuts.

 

 

 

2. Ex girlfriend tried to hit me with her car. Chased me down an alley that was enclosed in a high fence on one side condos on the other.

Proceeded to call me next day at work and tell me that I looked like a sexy cheetah running away from her car.

 

 

 

3. My high school “girlfriend” told me she had cancer after our first date. She asked me not to tell anyone and that her parents got really upset if it was mentioned so to not talk about it with anyone. I dated her for six months. She turned herself anorexic to appear “sickly”. Once I started making friends, no one understood why I was with her and I kept her secret.

Well, I finally put two and two together after she told me she was going in for chemo on a Monday. She said she wasn’t going to be at school for at least a week. I caught her trying to hide from me before the first class and asked her how her chemo went. She said it went so well and that all her hair fell out but they sewed it all together and sewed the wig to her head.

Yeah… She was a special one.

 

 

 

4. One of my exes was convinced that I was cheating on her with both my mother and sister, so whenever I spent time alone with either of them I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. When my mother, sister, and I went on a family vacation to New York City, she was insistent that I sleep in the hotel’s fire escape because she thought I was going to have sex with them.

Oh yeah, she also thought when I talked to my sister on the phone, my tone of voice suggested that I was trying to seduce her into having phone sex.

 

 

 

5. My ex somehow thought that taking her to a fancy dinner meant that I was going to propose to her. When it didn’t happen, it lead to a downward spiral of cutting herself and at one point “attempting” to jump out of my car as I was driving.

 

 

 

6. So I was sitting on my front porch with this girl who lived down the block. We were hooking up after I had recently broken up with my psychotic drug addicted ex girlfriend for cheating on me.

So this silver car rolls by that I recognize as her (the ex’s) friend’s vehicle, and WHILE IT’S ROLLING BY MY HOUSE the back door opens up and out rolls my screaming crying psycho ex. The bitch hits the concrete at 10 mph and then jumps up with a baseball bat and starts screaming that she’s gonna kill the other chick. I put the other girl in my house and tried to calm her down. Only a threat of a police call got her to leave.

 

 

 

7. Told me she had brain cancer. Constantly was calling me crying telling me how she wasn’t sure if she was going to live or not and all these surgeries she was having. Come to hear from her sister 6 months later none of any of that had happened.

 

 

 

8. My ex 10 years ago was an abusive alcoholic, I had enough of her false promises and constant crap that I just walked out…..In the next few months she:

Would phone my house, drunk, gloating about who she’s fucked.

Show up to my parents, drunk, demanding to talk to me…. Various times she was verbally abusive to my mother who basically told her to “fuck off before I call the cops”.

Threatened to lie to police that I sexually abused her son.

Threatened to tell police that bruises on her body (from being drunk all the time and falling over a lot) was from me….. Ironically SHE was the one who beat me…..

Told my parents, 5 months after I left her, that she was 2 months pregnant and it had to be mine…. Yeah ok….

Threatened to get her son’s alcoholic junkie Dad to “do you in” for not answering her calls

Called my boss various times at work, demanding I be fired for being abusive to her at my workplace (supermarket). He laughed at her and told her finally she was banned from the shop for harassing his staff.

Probably more, but thinking about it makes me feel like crap….

 

 

 

9. Invited herself to my house when my dog was getting put down. On the same day, when she could she attempted to have sex with me. I was obviously unhappy and turned her down.

I came to school after the weekend (my dog was put down on Saturday) and she had told everyone that I had forced myself on her and raped her.

Later on (a month or so later) she called me and told me to get back with her, “or else”. I told her I can’t get back with her so she said she’d kill herself if I didn’t. I didn’t say anything, and she downed 70 something pills of potassium. Had a friend call the ambulance, she survived, but wasn’t too healthy for a little while.

 

 

 

10. Broke into my house every day for about a month while I was at work. Showered, cooked food, watched TV and then left before I got home. I came home early one day and she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She very matter of factly said “oh I didn’t think you’d be home at this time”. Asked how she got in – when we were dating I had lent her my keys once. She got one cut for herself without me knowing. Of course after arguing we had wild sex. Crazy bitch sex can be fun. But that was the second last time ever.

 

 

 

11. Called Child Protective Services on me, claiming I was abusing and neglecting my daughter. Let me tell you, it’s pretty hurtful when someone shows up at your house accusing you or being a shitty dad. CPS saw how well I was doing with my daughter and how loving I was, so that case got thrown out. Now, my ex just got arrested for stabbing a guy in the arm and is insisting I help bail her out.

 

 

 

12. My ex cheated on me for about 6 months without me knowing. We were in bed on night and she rolled over and said get out. I was in shock and had no idea what to do so I left. We had joint everything.. she cancelled my phone, took all the money I saved out of my accounts, kept my dog that I tried incredibly hard to get back but most of all she told her friends, my friends, her family and my family all over social media that I choked her and beat her and she left to save her own life. She even posted pictures of cuts and bruises she got from a car accident online saying they were from me. Her car got broken into at a mall and her stuff was stolen and she told the police it was me. After I proved to the police I was working they quickly looked the other way. After at least a year of trying to clear my name I met the guy who she cheated on me with. At first I wanted to tear his face off but after he bought me drinks I found out she did the same exact thing to him.

 

 

 

13.  She turned one of the burners on my stove on “high” without it being lit.

We had been broken up for a couple of days and she was getting the rest of her belongings out of my house. I was at the gym and texted to see if she had finished up and received a text that she had and then I finished up lifting and headed home.

Got to my house and all the lights were off save for the porch light. Opened the front door and smelled gas. My first thought was that my furnace line had ruptured or something.

I left all of the lights off and went down into the basement to see if I could hear/smell anything near the furnace and the gas line but there was no gas smell in the basement.

I went back upstairs and checked the stovetop in the kitchen. Sure enough, one of the burners had been turned on ‘high’ and was not lit. I turned it off and proceeded to open all of the downstairs windows (in January) to vent the gas.

My first thought was that it couldn’t have been done intentionally because my thermostat kicking the furnace on, or me turning lights on could have blown me up. The problem was that the knob can’t just turn itself and you need to depress and then turn to light any of the burners.

Then I remembered what she told me once (jokingly I thought at the time) which was “if I can’t have you, no one will.” So yeah, bitch tried to blow me, my house, and my cats up.

 

 

 

14. My ex-girlfriend stopped by to visit. I had just eaten enough Chinese food at a buffet to be near pass-out. I was laying on the blowup mattress and I hear her growl “You son of a bitch” and then BOOM! She punched me in the teeth.

I asked her what the fuck her problem was. At the time I was broke so I didn’t have any furniture – everything was neatly placed in the room including my condoms. She counted and noticed one was missing from the last time she visited. I scrambled up and she spit in my face. I told her to leave and walked to the door.

That’s when she opened the cabinet, took out the toaster oven, and threw it at the side of my head. My head was ringing, glass all over the floor from the broken oven door, blood is trickling from my head, I was panicked. I didn’t want to hurt her but she HAD to leave immediately. I told her I’d call the cops if she didn’t leave. The whole time in between assaulting me she was frantically glancing around the room for other signs I was “cheating” (even though I was single) and for stuff to assault me with.

I opened the door to encourage her exit and she started screaming, she said she’d get everyone in the neighborhood thinking I was assaulting her. I pleaded with her to please leave and she started tearing into the bare skin of my chest with her nails, grabbing and pinching and pulling. I forced her out the door and locked it. She started bashing at the windows. Finally she got in her car and left.

I slid to the floor and called my parents, in complete shock and sobbing. I hadn’t experienced that kind of crazy in my life before. She just attacked me in a fit of rage. I didn’t want to hit her back I just wanted to be left alone. The whole experience had me wondering about the mental problems she must have been hiding the entire time we were together. I was so afraid she would do something crazy like wreck her car to get “revenge” on me, or hurt my dog, or call the cops with a fake story.

It’s been 5 years since that day and it’s thankfully hazy now – it’s hard to describe what a blur it was.

 

 

 

15. After three and half years of abuse and two children, my ex-wife decided she wanted to ruin my life. Had me arrested on false charges of domestic violence which led to a plea bargain due to the fact that we were living on my 10,000.00/year income. She refused to work the entire relationship. This led to a three-year probation which included “group therapy sessions” for abusers. During these sessions “patients were required to recount the episodes of abuse and explain where they “made mistakes”. Due to the fact that I hadn’t actually committed any abuse I was forced to lie, as lack of participation equals failure to abide by the requirements of the probation deal. This led to the judge threatening me with up to three years in prison. As a result we fled the country and set up shop in the Middle East. I was forced to join the army and served as a combat soldier for two years. During the second year of military service I finally grew some balls and told her I wanted a divorce. The resulting meltdown created a situation in which I was forced to flee my domicile. In the process I forgot to take my I.D. She spent the next year forging my signature on rent, phone, water, electrical and credit card contracts. To this day I am still paying off the 200,000-dollar debt she built up in my name. This figure does not include the debt she incurred using my I.D when she returned to the States. Oh and she illegally kidnapped my children when she fled the “middle east” to return to America. So yeah. I need a drink.

 

 

 

16. Took my cat and had him put down.

 

 

 

17. In no particular order:

-Entered my apartment while I was at work and stole all my kitchen appliances and half my table settings.

-Sent a note to the apartment complex expressing my intentions to move out. I found out when they knocked on my door asking why I was still there.

-Told everyone that I was abusive (rather than admit we ended due to her cheating). I couldn’t even go to the Starbucks she worked at (whether she was there or not) because her coworkers believed her and would call the police if they saw me.

-(similar to above) She told my pastor at the time that I locked her in the bedroom, using a chair propped against it to prevent her escape and didn’t let her eat for a day. (This one was an amusingly bad lie, since the bedroom door opened into the room, making a propped chair impossible)

-Committed identity theft by using my SSN to phone in and have her credit card debt put in my name (about $4,000). I found out after being denied a loan two years later.

And this was all done by the same ex